(Photos) Tornadoes Rock Dallas Fort Worth in Afternoon Storms.

April 3rd, approximately 2 PM. Storm warning sirens broke my backyard bliss and interrupted the balmy afternoon in Arlington, Texas. These storm sirens are a signifier for a Tornado being on the ground. Initial stories had the funnel touching ground for over thirty minutes.

Driving to check the storms path, I was able to get some of the first photos of the devastation. The initial touchdown in the Ft Worth area being my target, I headed in that general direction.

Swirls of grass and debris were scattered about on Interstate Hwy 20 west, Beginning at Park Springs so I decided to exit at Green Oaks and go on the hunt. 5 minutes later I was able to get a few photographs…

Also on the news Website: Channel 8- Dallas / Ft. Worth: http://www.wfaa.com/younews/145999035.html

Your Guacamole Sucks Unless it’s like mine…

So here I am. A happily married Culver City California Native and a full time, free-lance writer-photographer and part-time stuntman who loves Big Waves, fast down-hills, old school skateboard tricks (Dog-town), taco stands, coffee houses, and seedy greasy-spoon diners. Did I forget my wife? Nope. She’s the love of my life. She doesn’t criticize my Guacamole. What does my Guacamole have that keeps her chained to my magnificent loins you ask? Try it and see:

My Guacamole Recipe: Don’t say that I don’t care for you.

3 Big Soft Haas Avocado’s

1/2 Cup of Chopped Onions

1 Lemon

1 Lime (if you don’t have these, you can use a packet of Lemon Lime Twangers, You know, the Beer Salt)

1 Tsp Kosher Salt

3/4 Tsp Garlic Powder

1/2 Tsp Black Pepper

1/4 Cup Diced Pickled Jalapenos (You can leave these out if you don’t want peppers, but I prefer them)

1 Tbsp Mayonnaise (Not Miracle Whip)

Seed and Peel the avocado’s, mash them in a large bowl. Add onions, Cut lemon and lime in half, squeeze the juice into the mix. Save the lemon and lime left overs for Iced-tea. Add the rest of the ingredients to the bowl Stir. Let eyes roll back in head after tasting.

See, cooking like a champion is not complex. One must be willing to suffer the defeats on the way to becoming a surfing, skating, daredevil cook such as I. Keep plugging along, you’ll get it right. You never have to be humble when you cook like this!

Things you should never say to, or ask, your…..

So I read an article yesterday and decided that I didn’t like the fact that comments on the mouth diarrhea that the writer had written down were disabled. So, what’s a person to do? I make my own list of things that you should never say to certain, important and very self-important people in our lives every day. The list is not as comprehensive as I would like. However, for a spur of the moment post, these things were the most prominent. The title almost harnesses the whole idea. I just filled in the blanks. The problem that I had was why the hell not? Things you should never say to, or ask,  your:

• Boss:

1. I need a raise. Yes you incompetent tool, I need a raise. You have a boat, a sports car, a mistress, and own a home. I eat tuna from the can, Ramen noodles, my car breaks down frequently, and my clothes look like shit. Help a brother out, give me enough to survive on. I don’t care about your stockholders if I can’t afford to eat.
2. Why did you give her more money than me? The answer: Well, primarily because she won’t ask about his dumb-assed decisions, question or test his authority, buck the corporate system, or otherwise smell, act, or threaten to flog the boss like a man would. Also, secretly, the male boss probably just wants to poke her Pikachu if he can. He has the money to impress her. There goes your raise Timmy. Female bosses are about empowering equality… Yes the usual, over-choking feminist, nihilistic kind of equality. You’re a man. No vagina, no rights. Stand up junior. Say something and make it effective!
3. Can I take a spur-of-the moment day off? No? Here’s why: Nobody, I mean nobody, here, can afford a vacation day, because I sign the check. Don’t be stupid. Just work and retire penniless and die. Can you talk yet?

• Your Girlfriend:

1. Yes, your ass looks fat in those jeans. Honey, the thong is not for a 350 pounder either. I love you, but you’re doing this shit on purpose right. Do you need your fucking eyes checked?
2. Can we have a threesome? You guys know that the answer is no. She has been training you for months now. Do you think she’s going to share? Don’t be a dumb-ass. Besides, what if you like the other girl better? If it’s a second guy you want and you are a guy, well, that probably means that she doesn’t know all of your secrets. Tell her. The closet isn’t for people, it’s for clothes, shoes and hangers.
3. What do you think about this _____? (Insert fun gasoline powered recreational vehicle here.) Seriously? So you want to be a manly man but know you better ask if you’re ever plan to get laid again. Face it, she is in charge of the pussy and will quickly remind you if you forget. Which do you want. Don’t make me ashamed of you. Pick the 4-wheeler.

• Bill Collector

1. Why do you insist on calling me at all hours? Bill collectors can get in trouble for calling your telephone more than once a day in most US states. Therefore, these jerk-off use masking to hide the real number and the caller ID still comes off as unknown, unless you’ve personally programmed it in. Their job is to make you say uncle and pay them the debt, plus collection charges if possible. They are psychologically battering you.
2. Can You leave me your home phone number to call you tonight when I’m off of work; to settle this of course? This actually worked once for me. I got off with a stern warning. They have the ball in this game. (It was fun though.)
3. Are you daft? They are… so daft in fact that they don’t know it.

• Police officer

1. I can drink what I want in my house. I know my rights. Cops have guns, handcuffs, and jails. They do not work for you, they work for the city politicos. Figure it out.
2. Yes I will take the test. They are going to make you take it anyway. Court order or not. Make them get the subpoena or warrant. Whatever kind of test it is.
3. I know how fast I was going. No you don’t. If you did, you still don’t.

Basically, the original blog that caught my attention went with the idea of “the boss is always right”. This type of blog, well hell, it came off as being an advertisement for a huge jobs board. That’s part of the problem in the good old USA. We are beginning to take too much shit from people who otherwise should have their asses put in check. We all have wanted to tell the boss fall into a bag of dicks, but most will never. Most will never rock the boat. I say rock it until he/she pees their pants, terminates without prejudiced, or basically gets a clue. Management is in charge of nothing without your work product.If the new woman at the office is hot, and the boss is a guy that automatically pays her better, gives her a better cubicle, and allows her more freedoms, then yeah dumbass, he’s trying to bone her. Don’t get in the way unless you have balls of steel. Tell him to fuck himself. Tell her that he’s trying to buy her off. Cock block if she isn’t doing it already. Serves the prick right.

As for your girlfriend, she will expect you to say nice things even when you’re angry. If she wants you to lie, you can remind her of this later if she acts like her feelings were hurt when you lie about a poker game, strip club, or different girlfriend. This relationship built on lies will never work. See, if she asks you to lie to spare her feelings, what does she care if you’re banging a stripper named Lexxus? She can’t pick which lies you’re allowed to tell after the loaded jeans question. If she wants to wear skinny leg jeans and she weighs 500 pounds, it’s up to you if you want to be with the huge bitch. If this offends you, you’re probably her, or screwing her, and are missing your balls. Lose weight, otherwise, take it like it is.You are making the choice. Choice comes with critics. You don’t have big bones, you’re a whale. Get off your ass and make the jeans fit… or have another cuppy cake. I personally don’t care. This also works the other way around. I love who I am.

Now the bill collectors, they hear nothing but dollars and cents. They are the one category of people who can talk shit as well as I can. We would probably get along if they didn’t keep me so wound up. If you can wait seven years or if you’re not too concerned about your credit, then tell the money-grubbing prick(s) to fuck off. They can’t eat you. If you’re broke, you’re broke. They probably purchased your debt for pennies on the dollar anyhow. Yes pennies on the dollar. Check the laws in your state on Garnishment, but by all means, don’t tolerate a bill collectors shit for a second unless you have to.

Finally the police. Don’t piss off a guy who can lock you up, destroy your future and make you the idiot. These are some of the only people that you should actually NEVER say shit to. Nothing is benign with the police. If you’re in the hot-seat: Name, address, ID number, Lawyer… no more, no less.

In contrast, there are times whan you should ALWAYS ask a question. The first example, and only example for now, is the classic cock blocker at the club. You know, the ugly friend of the hottie that you’re talking to. You keep trying to get said hottie alone, she wants to (a) tag along (b) talk to her friend without your ears in the conversation, or (c) leave you behind and go somewhere else with the hottie, effectively stealing the coitus. That bitch! Ask her aloud and clearly if she is trying to cock block. But don’t ask until you know that’s exactly what she’s doing. Ask her why. Ask her is she carrying a lesbian crush. Ask her why she is protecting her friend’s va- jay-jay. If the hottie protects her friend’s cock-blocking position, you’re buying free drinks. You should not have to be paying her bills to get laid.

Shocking Look Alikes!

We’ve all seen this headline, but how much alike do the look alikes look? Say that three times fast. Okay, I understand… That, that, that; I’m also a tool and in touch with this broken celebrity reality. There was one not-so-obvious look alike that is constantly overlooked, but seen by millions of TV viewers and backyard warriors every single day…. drumroll please:

Maury Povich

Yes, that is the real Kingsford Charcoal man.

So, being on his show= Barbecue (Bittersweet irony!)

You are the father…. of tasty backyard cooking!

#2. Runner up: Kim Kardashian:

And a Garden tool. Uncanny resemblance… Don’t you think?

My top ten list of the worst movies of the decade…

When was the last time that you visited the theater and felt… well, for lack of a better word- Robbed? I’ve always tried to keep an open mind, but these were too horrible not to point a finger and want the director’s head on a stick…

1. Carnage –  Starring Jodie Foster- So, I’m thinking, yeah! Chainsaws, mallets, flaying, and blood. Nope, I was taken for a ride. I really wanted to hear a woman complain about her child being “disfigured” after a scuffle at the elementary school. I felt disfigured for watching it.
2. The Remains of the Day – Starring Anthony Hopkins – Again, no “remains”, no chainsaws, no blood., only the story of a butler looking for love after he’s spent his life serving the wealthy. Boring.
3. The Human Centipede- OMG! ATM that the masses need to see? Really?
4. Paranormal Activity 3 – So… If I buy a camera, can I film one of these and make that kind of money? This thing made huge box office. Why?
5. Paranormal Activity 2 – Okay, there I was, sucked in yet again to watch another movie in peripheral and fast forward. The shame is that my money disappeared from my wallet.
6. Paranormal Activity – Trailers can be so deceiving! I planned on terror, sleeplessness, and trauma. There were a few hopeful moments, but I had seen all of those in the previews.
7. Jack and Jill – Starring Adam Sandler- This is exactly why I prefer audio recording of his comedy over watching him try to act.
8. Last Days – Starring Michael Pitt- The sad part about Kurt Cobain’s suicide is that there is no way to depict the dark psychological state of mind of the perpetrator. This wasn’t even a good try.
9. We Bought A Zoo – Starring Matt Damon and Scarlett Johanssen- Trust me, don’t buy a zoo. This was like an old after school special. Total YAWN!
10. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) – The remake. You can’t remake Freddie. It’s as Simple as that.

Sometimes, the list seems just abso-frickin’-lutely too short… So, in respect to that, I add: Tree of Life Starring Brad Pitt. What are your picks for the most horrendous films of the decade? Share!